Hello dear reader! So it's been a very interesting month in the Simply Megan V household. There were lots of tears, some very low moments, and total high moments as well. It's my mission to share the good, the bad, and the ugly with my readers and I'm soooo excited that I can finally share all about this new development! Be prepared for more baby themed blogs, in addition to more videos, insights and more. If you are ready to read more about the whole saga, dear reader, then buckle your seat belts and keep on scrolling. ;)
The Big Shocker:
So let me give you a little backstory before we get to the big shocker moment....
Now, I hadn't been feeling well since Thanksgiving. We are talking, nauseated, exhausted, motion sickness, etc. I was feeling pretty ill and thought that it was just my body finally telling me to slow down because I had been under a HUGE amount of stress. Before you are like...."uhhh duhhh Megan....morning sickness!!" I want you to know that I didn't suspect pregnancy AT ALL because I actually had two periods in the time I was pregnant! During the entire time from Thanksgiving, up until the day before I saw the doctor (~ 3 weeks) I had been having period level bleeding.
Little did I know the surprise that was in store for me when I finally went to the doctors appointment my husband nagged me to schedule. Pregnancy was the furthest thing from my mind because we hadn't actively been trying to get pregnant and because of the bleeding. I'm pretty sure my doctor was as shocked as I was because when she ordered the pregnancy test she ordered it "just because I guess I probably should." I'm sure we had twin looks of shock on our faces when the test came back positive!
That was the start of about two weeks of even more stress, uncertainty and fear. My doctor immediately ordered blood testing and proceeded to explain to me that this level of bleeding was totally not normal...so I am probably miscarrying and expect that it will happen. I left that appointment in shock, scared, and unsure with a rush order for blood work and an OBGYN appointment.
I remember texting my husband "Call me right now"...and let's just say that call was interesting lol! He was as shocked as me and just as worried about the miscarrying. I remember thinking to myself, "Well just great...the universe really seems to have it in for me. I can't end this hellish year in peace...oh no...it has to make me feel even more pain both emotionally and physically with a miscarriage." Needless to say, my faith in the God, Goddess, The Universe, Mother Earth...whatever your preference is...was absolutely zilch.
The worst part of this whole situation was being in this holding pattern of fear and feeling totally helpless. To make matters worse, I only had my husband to talk to because I didn't want to share the news with my mom and sister. They had already had a tough year too, and I didn't want to bring them down with even more stress. So I was handling this and holding this all inside....I was like a ticking time bomb.
Later that week my Doctor called to let me know that, shockingly again, I was 7 weeks pregnant! Cue the barrage of insults I hurled at myself for all the caffeine and alcohol I drank during that time. I felt like this miscarriage was totally my fault and there was nothing I could do about it. Add on top of that, an intense depression that was deeper than I'd ever had (thank you pregnancy hormones).
To top that roller coaster of a week off, the bleeding got really bad on Friday and I ended up being told to go to the ER. So off Matt and I went. I remember sitting in the car on the ride there trying desperately to mentally prepare myself for what I was sure to be bad news. We arrived at the ER and were told once again that I was likely miscarrying. After a barrage of bloodwork, I was ordered to have an ultrasound and that's where my nerves really got shaky. Was there going to be a heartbeat? Was I going to have to see a lifeless baby? What if there isn't anything there? Or what if it is even worse and I am having serious complications?
My mind was racing.
The ultrasound tech proceeded to do the ultrasound and there sat out baby...safe and sound with a strong heartbeat to boot. I was slightly relieved. We wouldn't have to face a miscarriage that day. I'll also admit that it was slightly entertaining to see the confused look on the ER doctor's face when he saw the dropping HCG levels with the perfectly healthy baby in the ultrasound....he honestly didn't know what to make of it!
So there I was, driving with tears rolling down my face and my sister in the back seat, hoping that she didn't see them. My attempt at holding it together failed epically and I lost it at the dinner table. Unfortunately, that's how my mom and sister found out....me sobbing that I was pregnant and miscarrying while we were all trying to eat dinner.
Of course they did what they could to comfort me and my mom confidently stated that the baby was fine because something similar happened with her too. It helped placate me a little and I was OK until Tuesday.
Tuesday my primary care doctor called again to let me know that my HCG levels had again dropped and to prepare myself for miscarriage. At this point, I was exhausted both physically and emotionally. I felt so empty inside and like I was all alone with this. Even though I read online how miscarriages were super common, I felt like no one was talking about it and how ashamed, guilty, helpless and damaged you feel when it happens to you. As I suffered and cried lots of tears, I made a commitment that I wouldn't be one of those people that didn't talk about it. Maybe this was why I was undergoing this pain? So that I could help provide a platform and a voice for this hidden, unspoken, thing women experience every day.
The days continued to pass by and I finally had my scheduled OBGYN appointment. Matt and I made the 40 minute trek to Fountain Valley and prepared ourselves for bad news...just in case. The OBGYN reassured me that HCG really didn't matter and off we went to a room to have an ultrasound. I sat there panicking because I couldn't see the monitor and, unlike the first one, I couldn't hear the heartbeat. I thought that my worst fear had come true and I had miscarried....until the doctor said "Look! A healthy baby, everything looks great and the heartbeat is nice and strong."
Cue another HUGE sigh of relief....but still, I wasn't out of the woods and didn't want to be overly optimistic at this stage.
Too bad the insurance company had other ideas...but that's a story for another post.
Finally, I found a new OBGYN that I loved and it was appointment day. I was 12 weeks exactly and I was really beginning to have hope. The bleeding had stopped for a week now and my anxiety had lessened a bit. I remained cautiously optimistic.
The OBGYN's office was absolutely incredible and was totally different than my first experience, in a good way! She calmly answered all of our questions (and I had a lot lol) and ordered the exact tests that we desired. To me it felt like the home stretch...if we could just get through this testing and ultrasound to make sure everything was OK, then I could finally get truly optimistic and excited about becoming a mom.
My husband and I opted for NIPT testing (I'll explain more in another blog post) and I had an ultrasound done. While I laid on that ultrasound table the baby put on a show...kicking, stretching and giving the ultrasound tech the best images she has gotten in a while, or so she told me. As I left that office, more relief followed. Finally the doctor called and the NIPT results were in....and the news was great! No signs of any birth or genetic defects whatsoever annnndd it is a healthy baby BOY!
Dear reader, I cannot convey to you the sense of relief I felt in that moment. My husband and I went to downtown disney that night to celebrate and prepare to surprise my family with the awesome news the next day at the pink party my sister and I were throwing for my mom. You see, in the midst of all of this, my mom was also undergoing chemo and she had finished her last session about a week ago. It was time to celebrate and celebrate big.
So here we are today...me and the healthy baby boy growing inside. I'm so excited to share this journey with you, dear reader. It's definitely been an interesting and tough journey thus far.
I know how fortunate I am that I didn't fully miscarry and I just want to say that I am still very committed to providing a platform for women who are experiencing this to share their thoughts and receive support. Know that I am here for you! Even though I didn't fully miscarry and my story has a happy ending, I still felt all of the pain and feelings of betrayal, loss, guilt and more that can be experienced with miscarriage. Perhaps the sense of loss isn't there, but I still hope that you will share your story, so that others may not feel so alone. It's time to bring this untalked about issue out of the shadows!
Stay tuned for more about the first trimester, fun stories, what I'm loving and more! I'd love to hear from you in the comments below! Share your thoughts and perhaps this blog with a friend who may need it.
The Surprise Reveal!